A story about boundaries, family, and body autonomy

An honoring for the skin that I am in (picture taken in Central California)

I write this because it serves as an important reminder to myself that I have done the inner work to not only love and accept my body but not to base my sole worth based on how my body looks.

A reminder: my body is my own and not for others to make comments on or put their judgments on.

Yesterday was my uncle’s funeral. My uncle — my mom’s oldest brother — a funny man but also an alcoholic. What was this meant outside of this being a tough day of me and my family it also meant all my family and cousins coming together that I have not seen for years.

A part of this family is my mom’s other brother, my uncle, who I have not seen for over six years now. Within four hours of us all being together, five different times, he turned to me to say “you’re so skinny! Why is your face so small? You look gaunt.”

…each time I felt my blood boiling but as the “good Indian girl” and “good Indian niece”, I politely smiled and let it go. Then on the fifth time, in a room where two of my other aunts sat, my other uncle, and three cousins, I turned towards him to say

“This is the fifth time you are telling me how skinny and gaunt I am. The fifth time you are commenting on MY body. You don’t have permission to cast judgments on my body nor the allowance to speak them to me. This is my body. We have not seen each other in over six years and this is unacceptable behavior. I do not like it and will not allow it. Nobody can make comments on others’ bodies.”

Everyone in the room went silent and stared at us, awaiting his response.

First, shock went over his face and then shame — more so shame from being called out in front of everyone but a shame nonetheless. He quickly apologized and said he was

“only joking”.

Joking? When harm has been caused, how quickly someone can hop to their own defense with a claim they were “just joking”.

My mom walked into the room nervously also claiming that my uncle was only joking and to let the matter go.

This, my friends, is where boundaries need to come in. Boundaries that were never taught to me as a young girl — where relatives, friends, and strangers felt like they could say anything to me and as a girl, I am to just smile and take it. This has been true my whole life — my body has felt sexualized and policed by others my whole life.

The days of smiling and just taking it are gone. The fucked up thing is when my uncle said he was just joking, I got a twinge of “omg, should I have not said something? Just let it go? It’s harmless, right? Did I make something out of nothing?”

No. This is where the inner work and body autonomy need to step in. Boundaries need to be placed. In Indian, particularly Punjabi culture, where the family is considered paramount and men are seen as better and have power over women, boundaries need to be placed. Particularly as womxn.

I’ve had to create literal space between myself and my uncle because I will not allow myself to be re-triggered by his ignorance.

To all my beautiful folks working on loving and accepting their bodies, without this body, we would not be able to traverse and be. While this is a human flesh suit all of our souls walk around in, it is still OUR/MINE/YOUR body. Finding the peace to love ourselves as we are without the comments, is hard enough. I see you. I love you. And I am doing my own work to set clear boundaries so no one else feels like they have permission over my body.

Set the boundaries that you need to distance from those folks that won’t respect your body and you.

Connecting to and loving our bodies as it is, is accepting and honoring our Truest Self. It is the ultimate embodiment.

Cultivating this relationship with my body has allowed me to see how much beauty and expansion there is. How much strength, power, and resilience I carry. That my worth is not defined by how skinny or fat I am, but by the Soul, my True Self within.

By radically loving and accepting my body, I am connecting to my True Self.

TO VIEW THE ORIGINAL ARTICLE ON MEDIUM, CLICK HERE.